Thanks for the Help!

[Vic Ferrari]

It was September of 2000.

I couldn’t take anymore abuse, for me or my kids. (Of course as many of you already know, that wasn’t true, now was it?) The yelling, threats and mental torture of my sons had been an absurd reality for too long. It represented a surreal version of what I was told about women. From the conversations I had with friends, I wasn’t the only one. The degree and scale of abuse went from low to high but it was never non-existent.

My wife, like all women, worship power and all of its manifestations. Money, status, prestige, confidence, beautiful women, rich men, lead singer guy, motorcycle guy, blah blah…women love manifestations of power and control to mask their internal fear of being seen for who they are. My wife is a truly sad, insecure person who would torture her own children to get a glimpse of manifested power. Even if that power is her own pathetic attempt to create it for herself. That has to be as close to evil as I ever want to get.

She said she wanted me out and I finally said I’d leave. She’d played this card so many times she really thought I’d apologize for some mysterious sin and ask to stay…in my own house…with my kids. Yep, I’ve actually been convinced to have to ask to stay in my house because she was unhappy. This time I said “I’m gone.” I turned and walked away.
Within an hour I said goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law who were visiting and who suspected something was wrong but didn’t say anything. I just mentioned that my wife was depressed and not to worry, I’d deal with it. They left and I started packing my clothes. Before I could pull away in the car, my wife jumped in the passenger seat and begged me not to leave. I told her to get out and she began flipping between “angry threatening” wife and “begging passive” wife. It was a disturbing thing, to watch her personality disorder take over in a desperate attempt to maintain control over me. But of course women worship power and control is just power’s evil sister.

So here she is, sitting in the passenger seat of my car, doing a schizophrenic act in such short blasts that I was almost stunned to silence. She's the Ed Norton of her time. She said “this could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, Vic,” while I stared blankly for what must have been 5 or 6 seconds. “The camel is dead…kaput…no mas…no more camel,” I said with a quizzical frown…and I hardly ever mix my “quizzical” look with my “frown” look in case it confuses the listener. I could not believe what I was seeing or hearing. I wish I had film. Really. But like the stupid blonde in every horror movie, I relented and did the stupidest thing I could think of just so I would be sacrificed as a cautionary tale for future generations. You’re welcome, it’s my gift to you. Keep reading.

Yep, you guessed it. I agreed for us to get counseling and in case you’re not familiar with my gymnastic ability to sabotage myself, I ended up on the “couch” and she went shopping. Not kidding. When I talked to the counselor and mentioned her erratic and violent behavior, I must have sounded a little..uh..tense. The counselor stopped me mid-sentence to warn me that telling him my wife’s violent episodes would force him to call Child Protective Services and they would take my boys, no matter what kind of dad I was, because they would need to evaluate the situation before any determina….blah blah.

So let me summarize. If a man stays in his abusive marriage, he and his kids are abused. If a man opts out of his abusive marriage, he and his kids are separated and abused by mom AND the government. If a man seeks reconciliation in his abusive marriage, he and his kids will be separated and abused by mom AND the government AND the man will have to pay for counseling so he can get over his anger issues.

OR…. a man can GHOW, print out posts from this forum and have them surreptitiously inserted into every bachelor’s party invitation as a “Surgeon General’s warning”….like they do on packs of cigarettes.

[Cobalt]

So what the hell are you saying?!

That I should just get divorced, buy a red convertible sports car, a cabin on a lake, get another degree, switch careers so that I work less and make more, buy expensive watches, a Subaru Outback, fix up my house, save money, screw my brains out, and promise never to remawwy?

Is that what you're suggesting I do!?

If so, then save your breath. It's already done.

PS: what, you think I'm shallow?

You have no idea.

[Bubbajoebob]

Vic, mine warned me many times before we married that she was batshit crazy, and gave me many opportunities to break it off. I was the sucker who kept fighting to save it. I hear you.

[Cobalt]

Vic, how soon can you get out of this awful situation?

[slowlearner]

Vic, besides the Red Pill value of what you write, a sort of "war correspondant" to the unmarried, I have noticed something else. You have taken your pain and experience and turned into a SUPERB writer! Your sense of structure, use of words, humanity and (in a good sense) drama produce little stories worth reading as stories, let alone how they help other men, and presumably help you too. Kudos for turning personal pain into creativity. If you find your way into print, people would buy your scrabblings .

[Vic Ferrari]

So what the hell are you saying?!

That I should just get divorced, buy a red convertible sports car, a cabin on a lake, get another degree, switch careers so that I work less and make more, buy expensive watches, a Subaru Outback, fix up my house, save money, screw my brains out, and promise never to remawwy?

Is that what you're suggesting I do!?

If so, then save your breath. It's already done.

PS: what, you think I'm shallow?

You have no idea.

Good for you Cobalt...and I hate you for living the life I was too stupid to live. God Bless you brother!

Bubba - Vic, mine warned me many times before we married that she was batshit crazy, and gave me many opportunities to break it off. I was the sucker who kept fighting to save it. I hear you. I had so many signs it was ridiculous but I ignored every one of them. You fought to save it, right or wrong and that's honorable. Futile but honorable.

Slow - If you find your way into print, people would buy your scrabblings . Thank you Slow. These aren't stories I'd be excited to put my face on. LOL I'm still owning up to what kind of guy allows this to happen and frankly it's a little embarrassing. I hope others can read this blog and avoid the hell we've all gone through.

[Sam I Am]

Vic, mine warned me many times before we married that she was batshit crazy, and gave me many opportunities to break it off. I was the sucker who kept fighting to save it. I hear you.

Haha... you and I got the same t-shirt.

[slowlearner]

Haha... you and I got the same t-shirt.

We all went to the hell of marriage, and all I got (left) is this fucking t-shirt lol!

[Vic Ferrari]

Vic, how soon can you get out of this awful situation?

About 77-78 months, give or take a nano-second.

[toadman]

Haha... you and I got the same t-shirt.

Is the shirt dyed, silk-screened, or embroidered? The longer the image lasts the longer ii takes to disappear. Or do you wear it inside-out like an offensive teenager in HS, or hiding the embarrassment of a failed marriage? Or shit-can and set-fire to it all together and buy newer Tommy Bahama or Cubaveras? Or anything you want?

[ContentlyUnattached]

To my fellow brothers in this thread who are/have been married the Tom Leykis link in my signature between 1:30 to about 6:30 is for you.

He was funny in that part of the radio broadcast.

[Cobalt]

About 77-78 months, give or take a nano-second.

Alright - that's not too bad, and horrible situations are always more bearable when there's some hope.

Hope you're planning carefully!

[Cobalt]

To my fellow brothers in this thread who are/have been married the Tom Leykis link in my signature between 1:30 to about 6:30 is for you.

He was funny in that part of the radio broadcast.

I listened to all 5 parts of the Leykis broadcast - great stuff.

PS: got the tee-shirt also. But over the years, it's dwindled to a rag.

[fester]

Vic, I got a shock of recoginition reading your post.

When my dear departed cupcake threw me out of the house courtesy of VAWA, after a few weeks she started to regret her actions, and it started to dawn on her I may not forgive and forget, and not return.

There was a window of a few weeks where even I (along with most of my family) was pretty sure it was over.

At the end of the thirty days, I went back (duh).

I understand your situation. It is hard to explain it to anyone.

Hang in there , and things will improve; cultivate your health, someday you'lll be free and glad you did.

[cdub]

Thank you Slow. These aren't stories I'd be excited to put my face on. LOL I'm still owning up to what kind of guy allows this to happen and frankly it's a little embarrassing. I hope others can read this blog and avoid the hell we've all gone through.

Vic thanks for telling your story. I've never been in your shoes, and never intend to get married. You were just living like how most of us were raised to live, find a woman, make her your wife, raise a family. Even if she is nuts it's our duty to stand by her, and take care of her, blah blah, oh and if she's abusive (which women never are) well we just need to man up, I mean she isn't capable of really hurting you, unless of course it's self-defense...you abuser. Sorry I get pissed sometimes and my best way to vent is using sarcasm. I get frustrated when I see how stuck and fucked over so many guys get, and then every time I turn on the TV/radio all we hear is about how abusive and bad men are, and all the victim women out there. It is truelly 1984 out there! And people just sit there and believe this shit!.

I don't blame you for the mistakes you made, you were just trying to hold on, and make sense of the lies they've taught us growing up about love, women, relationships, and marriage. You've been thru it and you've made it out, you've made it here, and you're helping many men with your story. Thank you.

[bob]

Thank you Slow. These aren't stories I'd be excited to put my face on. LOL I'm still owning up to what kind of guy allows this to happen and frankly it's a little embarrassing.

So use a pseudonym. Or do it anonymously and put it out there for free. It's great stuff.

Also, deciding you must be there for your kids is nothing to be ashamed of.

[Vic Ferrari]

So use a pseudonym. Or do it anonymously and put it out there for free. It's great stuff.

Also, deciding you must be there for your kids is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you bob.